I have been trying to be a better friend. I was never intentionally a 'bad' friend I just feel like I'm a little socially awkward sometimes. OK, a lot. I always think of nice things to say or remember to ask about how something is going about 10 minutes too late. You know when you're driving home from church and you wish you could rewind so you could say that incredibly nice thought you had or ask how starting solid food is working for your friend's baby. That happens to me more than I care to admit.
I have many incredible friends. I have one friend in particular who is JUST SO NICE. I am always amazed at her kindness. It's not like she gives me things or is overtly generous like she pities me. She is genuinely a nice person who cares about ME. She asks how specific things are going in my life and always makes me feel special. I need that. I'm sure others need that and I could be that friend if I could just think a little faster and possibly more clearly. I do eventually think of these things, so I have potential to be a good friend. (I think.)
I wonder if I'm just selfish and therefore spend more time thinking about telling people what I think instead of focusing on them. I am having a hard time figuring out how to get from where I'm at to where I want to be. My specific friend is a fabulous example but it comes to her so naturally that I have a hard time knowing where to start. I need to spend more time just listening and asking more questions I think.
As I made this goal I tried to come up with ways to be a better friend. I thought I would be a better friend by baking goodies and giving them to my friends. Thus showing my friends I care and think about them. Well, that's where the thought process ended. Being the perpetual list maker and checker off-er that I am, I moved on to the next resolution. As I've been reevaluating my resolutions I've really been pondering friendship and have been observing what I feel makes a really good friend. Baked goods are nice but that's a small part of being a good friend.
At book group this month we read The Pact by Jodi Picoult. We discussed the relationships of the characters and the topic of friendship came up. There is a point where friendships get too close as I feel happened in the book. I think it is hard to find the balance. I find myself wanting my friends to be closer but being afraid to get closer to my friends. It's lame and I know it. I don't know if I'm afraid of putting in more effort and working harder to nurture the relationship or if I'm afraid people won't like me when they really get to know me well. I'm envious of people who have those close relationships. There are two girls in my ward who are such amazing friends. You can tell that they have done service for each other and spent a lot of time together. They understand the other's needs and seem to always have a good time together. They're close but not too close. I want that. I'm envious of that. It's like the relationship I have with my sisters.
I shy away from talking on the phone. I try to avoid it at all costs. I love to email and text and hear from friends that way but I'm not someone who could throw in an hour on the phone just chatting. Does that decrease my ability to be a good friend? Maybe. I think I could at least call to see how someones day went. But my goodness that's hard. In so many ways I'd rather bake a cake and drive it to their house than talk on the phone.
So, what makes a good friend to you? Do you think we need really close friends as adults or are solid friends good enough? Do you like to talk in the phone? How would you suggest building relationships? Do you feel a little fuddy duddy in the friend department?
7 comments:
Wow, that's EXACTLY how I feel! I've been working on trying to be a better friend too. I think it's great to have a really good friend who knows you really well, but like I said last night, I don't think a friendship should be so close it takes away from a family relationship. And I totally agree with you about talking on the phone - I always feel stupid when I have to call someone, so I avoid it as much as possible.
I loved your post Cami! It was so genuine... I think this subject crosses a lot of peoples minds. I think it depends on peoples personalities. I didn't grow up seeing my mom have best friends, she talked to her sisterd daily though. I think there are many people out there who have close friendships that do interfear with their family. I'm the opposite of you though, I have a few really good friends here where I live, but we mostly talk on the phone. Its hard to get together when we each have four kids! I just chat up a storm while I am doing my chores, then move on with my day :) There is so much more I could do to be a better friend as well, it just has to be balanced. We do believe that family should come first, and hubbys are the best friends ever :)
I have to admit I'm a little surprised by your post! Sometimes I think, "Man, how does Cami know everyone so well?" And you are seriously one of the nicest people I know!
I've never thought that you are socially awkward. I, on the other hand... yikes. Which is better: not saying what you wish you had said, or sticking your foot in your mouth and saying the wrong things?? :)
And I'm with you on the phone thing. Not a phone talker.
This post kind of made me laugh because I could relate to so many things. Thanks for being so honest. I ditto Danielle...on being surprised and on the phone thing.
Not sure I can really say anything specific about what a true friend is...I think different people fulfill different needs. If you find one friend that fulfills several you are very lucky.
I think I should copy this post and post it on my blog (I won't), because it sounds exactly the way I feel! And I agree with what Danielle said, I was also surprised that's the way you feel! You seem like such a nicer and better friend than I am. I also think it's a personality thing. I think it would be so fun to have a close friend that I do everything with and call on the phone everyday, but in reality that's not really me. I don't know if I get scared to have a super close friendship for fear of losing it or what. And I also hate talking on the phone. I too avoid it at all costs!
I love this post! I have been out of the bloggin world for about 2 months and I am sad that I missde this ooportunity to participate in your discussion of friendship. Cami, you are one of the nicest people I know. I really don't think you are friendshiply awkward. I love making friends. I have some super close friends and I am noticing that more kids you have less time to spend with friends. The only time left to spend time with friends is after you are done with your daily chores so I call girlfriends to go to the stores at night. It gives us time to be away from life and in the company of girlfriends. It is so fun to have girlfriends.
I'm just catching up on your blog and this is such a great post because it's EXACTLY how I feel! I've felt so socially brain dead lately. Could it be a compounded effect of sleep deprivation? I hope the more sleep I get, the more my brain will think of things to say faster. I just feel so...boring. And I HATE picking up the phone and calling my friends. Which is terrible! I wish I didn't find it so awkward. "So what did you do today? Change diapers? Feed your baby? Make dinner? Do the dishes? Wow, me too!" I haven't always had a hard time calling people. In my head I think, if I just read more books, or watched/understood the news more, I would be more interesting and have more to say...I don't know. I have a goal of making plans with friends. Even just to a park or museum. Just spending time together is important I think.
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